Dear Diary, Do you know who I am?
I can honestly say the writing journal entries saved my life. It has opened the world up for me beyond the constricted walls of my mind.
"Orally-Challenged and Mentally Burdened"
Being socially-challenged all throughout my youth, I could never really open my mouth to say a word to anyone. My classmates never heard my voice for years to the point that they honestly thought I was mute.
There were always a million things going around and around in my mind, I just never spoke them out loud. I had my own questions, opinions and even answers, but there was always a disconnect from my brain to my mouth. I never wanted to be in a situation where I had to explain myself. I didn't know how to, because I was confused all the damn time.
"Here's an A+ (100) for all of your problems!"
Every thought was pushed aside and locked up never to see the light of day as they were coupled with fear and anxiety. What I ended up with was this mental strain built up by years of unresolved personal issues.
Silence was a resounding sound and I threw all of my thoughts within it like a bottomless black hole. It wasn't though. My thoughts never went away. They just lingered inside my mind and haunted me throughout my life. Over time, silence was the most deafening wail only I could here.
Having no friends or family to talk to, the only outlet I had were the essay or writing assignments our English teachers would give us. I always looked forward to those because they gave me an opportunity to channel whatever I was feeling and magically turn it to something I'm surprisingly proud of, also earning me very high marks. It was through my writing that I finally found my voice.
"What do you have there? Is that a Diary?"
Wasn't a diary just such a girly thing to have back then? When I tried to start writing diaries a few times growing up, I was always left discouraged because my siblings would somehow find it. They would read everything and tease me about having all of these thoughts and feelings. When you're part of such a big family, it's suffocating to not have any space to just let yourself go. I veered away from writing and keeping diaries, because we never really had any privacy to do our own thing.
"School is Dumb"
I went back to writing journal entries, halfway through my last year in college because I felt stuck. Here I was graduating with a business degree and the real world awaiting me, but I still had no clue what I wanted to do with my life.
I was a mock-up of the person I wanted myself to be and didn't know who I really was. Writing felt so far away that I didn't feel like I had the right to be a called a writer anymore. I never got to use my creativity and brilliance in any my classes. I studied hard and got good grades, but that gave no satisfaction to me whatsoever. I was a robot delivering outstanding results, devoid of any real thoughts and feelings.
"It's your first time. Of course, you're gonna mess up. Just do it!"
I needed to get closer to my passion again, to do things not only for the sake of grades every term. It's scary to jump back in, because you can feel like you're not good enough. You can really get discouraged especially when you feel like you don't even know what you're doing.
You just have to push through it though. With everything that's new to you, it's always going be rough at first. It's through the discipline and making time to do it in a consistent manner that shapes your skill and mindset. You can only get better every time you do it.
There I was writing sentences that made no absolute sense with spelling and grammatical errors here and there. I was writing about nothing and it was cringe-y how pathetic I sounded. I didn't stop though. I forced myself to write consistently and over time, I saw how I was gradually scratching the surface of my mind.
"I saw more than the insides of my brain. I found myself."
Words flew out of me like a free flowing river. I saw every thought that I took out of my mind, acknowledged it and finally understood what it meant. I stopped putting my problems away and started on addressing them one by one.
It was the first time I got to be honest with myself with no fear of other people's judgement. I didn't have to act according to what was expected of me, but just say what I needed to say. I finally saw myself clearly for who I was without the cover up of lies, fear and shame. Journaling led me to understand, and accept myself as a human being. It slowly instilled to me the bravery I needed to finally come out into the world.
Keeping a journal has guided me during the times in my life where I felt lost. I'm longer stuck or going around and around in circles. I'm moving forward in life with a goal clearly insight. It anchored my mentality that no matter how insane of a roller coaster ride my brain can be at times, I always have a place to spill my guts out.
"Sewer Rant is born!"
From the 50 words I used to write during my first few months, they kept pilling up until I can write over 1000 words an entry in under 30 minutes. You don't really need to think about what words to write, but just let the thoughts write through you. And now, we're here at Sewer Rant where I'm ready to share my thoughts and long-ass ramblings with the world.
Journaling is really like clearing out mind from all of the junk that life throws at you. Life doesn't stop giving you problems or headaches. You just need a place of your own to take out all of that garbage regularly.
"You can start now!"
And you can start here! You can comment all of your thoughts down below or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org! Write about the many things you're thinking about and feeling at the moment; or recall everything that happened today.
You'll then notice how all of these things are suddenly connected and realize how the series of events may have affected you. This then paves the way to figuring out what was actually bothering you in the first place. Continue writing on with that and then, you'll come up with a plan of action moving forward.
Want to learn more about Journaling? Read on Journaling: Write Up your Life, See it Unfold Before Your Eyes!
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