Let me give you a quick guided tour inside this head of mine. Yes, it's a dark and scary place, but it's also quite a fast and thrilling experience. Are you up for it?
I would describe my brain as a rabbit hole where once an idea falls in, gravity will immediately pull it downwards deeper and deeper going at full speed until it reaches the very bottom. Is there even really one?
The World is Ending. Deal With It!
A simple thought can fall in and not even 10 minutes later, I have accepted the fact the world will be ending any second now. If the world is ending, shouldn't I no longer wait around? I have to focus on achieving my dreams right now! How would I do that as a 22- year old who has just started his career in an entire different field? Should I quit my job? I won't have money to support myself anymore if I do. Do I honestly want to be broke and rely slowly on my not-good-enough skills as a writer? And, am I selfishly thinking about myself and my dreams when the world is ending, kids are going hungry and there is injustice in society? What can I do to help? I'm an ordinary citizen who can't even manage his finances? I'm useless. That's it. The world is doomed and my time here on Earth was basically worthless.
A Reason for Everything
I would tend to latch on to an idea, dissecting it to the very core until I seem to fully understand the implications it has to my life. My brain would just go on and on, frantically trying to rationalize my fears, one after the other. There is a reason for everything. Things have to make sense, right? What are the facts and what are the noticeable patterns? What links can be connected? From that, I will formulate a hundred of possibilities on how the scenarios will play out. What do I want to happen and what should I do now to steer myself in the right direction?
Sure, I may just be over-exaggerating, and my thoughts tend to get out of hand. I'm definitely paranoid, but aren't these worries still valid? The future brings with it open possibilities. Wouldn't it be better to be ready for anything to happen? Sure, it will be a relief if things turn out well, but at least if they won't, I'll be alert and ready for action.
Into The UnknOoooOOwn
I fear the unknown so I try to foresee the future, and pick out the aspects of right now to design it towards a path that is favorable. It's much like writing the plot of a story with the characters, conflict and setting already given to you. How would like to write your life up leading to your desired ending? This may work, but life is just full of surprises and on some random day, it can decide to knock you way off your course. What will you do then? Would you have to start all over again?
I often take things to the extreme, always thinking of the worst-case scenarios. I've either prepared for them, or have already accepted them before anything even happens. Maybe, it's because of how I was so used to misfortune? For some inexplicable reason, bad luck follows me around and I have to always be careful with every decision I make. If I make a mistake, I should know my way out of it right away. I also may just be over-complicating simple things or trying too hard for something that shouldn't even take any effort at all. If you've read this far, you may agree that to be the case here.
There Has to be an Answer. There Has to be Something I Can Do.
So yeah, I am an over-thinker with detailed plans, battle strategies and immediate courses of action. I don't talk much on a normal day, but inside this mind of mine, I'm constantly talking to myself about everything and you know what? It's exhausting to be so obsessive. It takes a toll on you mentally and emotionally. You always want to learn from your mistakes and do better. Learn and do better. What the changes I should make as a human being here on out? If I know what's wrong and then, I can fix it. Things will turn out better. They have to!
It's really scary because sometimes you can just never get the answers you need within yourself. You can hit a dead-end. You've reached the bottom and you try to deny it so you desperately claw with your hands, digging yourself lower and lower into the ground. You're stuck, and no matter what you do, how far you go, you can’t uncover the answer you need. Can't you just accept the fact that you may never find out and you can never be perfect?
Enough is Enough. Stop.
I understand that I need to be more chill, but I can even turn that into an obsession. Be Chill. Be Chill. Be Chill. I thought you were chill, now? Why are you not chill? Fix it. What is wrong with me?
And it all boils down to this, I'm too hard on myself. I'm rushing through life trying to get everything I want right now when I should let things take time. We should be fine with not knowing and letting some things be as they are because there is beauty in that. If things are meant to be, it will happen at the perfect time. Patience, rest and a sense of calm is what I'll be needing to work on.
I miss enjoying my days, being with my friends and just taking a drink out of life. I don't want to be always be in stuck inside the rabbit hole that is my head. I'm alone in there with only the echo of my conflicting thoughts reverberating around me. It's suffocating and my hands are tired from digging. It's time to climb myself up and get out of there.
Look Above, Look to the Light
Don't hide yourself away deep inside your head. Life is happening around you and your body is alive. Put it in action and just enjoy your time here on earth with people you can talk to. Sometimes, you just need people to reach out their hand and help pull you out into the surface. You don't have the answers to everything, but maybe they do. Find out.
Maybe instead of looking within yourself, you should be looking towards God instead? Things may not make sense right now, but they don't have to. Things don't have to be final because they can always change and your story will always be continuing. Be excited and explore. Don't be afraid of the unknown but embrace it. You don' t have to fix yourself right now if you need the time to heal and recover. Let go and trust yourself enough that you'll get there.
You've still got a lot to learn and you don't have to cram your way to pass through life. Let life teach you lessons through the struggles that you will overcome. Be optimistic and keep smiling. Get excited to wake up every day, not knowing what will happen. Isn't that just more fun? Are you up for that now?
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