No, I don't like what this makes me feel anymore. To care so much for a person only to be purposefully ignored? To try to be understanding again and again, just to hold on to the promises of a future together? To keep looking for an explanation, some sort of reason why things suddenly changed? There must be something wrong with me, something I could work on? Why was I always the one being left behind?
I may have some feelings, but I refuse to feel sorry for myself any longer. It's time to move on. That's right. Goodbye and please let this be the end?
Whoa there. Let's backtrack a bit...
I've honestly had quite the journey through dating apps the past few years. There are so many people out there to meet, each with their own personalities. Everyone's different and with their own set of stories to tell. And every often or so, you'll have connections with people who'll make you feel less alone in the world. I was always thankful for however long of a time I've had with a person and even the fractures they've left long after they've forgotten about me.
I grew resilient, gluing myself together every time no how far up from the ground I fell. I thought I was strong, that I could handle anything. I just needed to be more patient, and remain optimistic. Why would anyone give up on a chance at love, right? If you were the right person, shouldn't I at least try and find out?
Again and again. Again and again and again. You can get so used to heartbreak and moving on that you'll suddenly wonder if you're somehow trapped in a cycle. You'd meet an interesting guy you'd get so used to talking to and spend a few weeks with your head in the clouds. Of course, you'd get attached, but by this point he'll drift away and you don’t know why. There's nothing to be worried about, right? You swallow your doubts and wait. Just wait because he must be busy. There's no trouble being the only one putting effort in conversations because you'll want to tell him everything. Why doesn't he sound interested anymore though? Excuses and lies are acceptable because who are you to be jealous and needy, right? You just need to understand. Understand even when it's clearly not right anymore. Understand until he's suddenly gone.
I finally figured out that...
Ironically, what I now realized about myself is the opposite of what I've thought all along. I'm not tough or invincible. Really I was fragile, like a porcelain doll kids shouldn't be playing with. I offer my heart up to anyone, trusting them fully as they take up it into the air. One might not even notice, but I would fracture so easily. One crack here, another one there even if they were intended or not. When he leaves me, up in the air hanging, I would fall to the ground and completely shatter. Then, I was just alone, quietly picking up the pieces of my broken self.
I thought I grew stronger every time I fixed myself up again. I was used to this, that I convinced myself that it was alright. It's just hard to look for someone in this world who would for once feel the same way, right? I can handle this.
But no, I couldn't. Not really. Every time I fixed myself up from being broken by another guy, the easier and quicker it was for the next one to break me. I carried the issues with me like they were lessons learned. Some were, but most just intensified my paranoia and self deprecation. I wasn't strong at all. I was just stubbornly brave and what for?
You should never be reduced to feeling less than you're worth. You shouldn't be treated any less than you deserve. If I knew this, why would I allow myself to get into the same mess over and over again? I've never had the best luck and if love was a risky game, why would I even bother?
Being a highly sensitive person with a lot of feelings, my presence in and out of dating apps has led to obsession of finding deep connections with other people. I might have equated these connections as my only source of happiness, neglecting literally everything else around me that used to bring me joy. Now despite the positive influence dating apps have brought to my social and communications skills, it has also developed a lingering fear of abandonment. So my conclusion is, I should definitely be talking to a shrink instead. Haha.
It's obviously time to stop...
So now, I'm making the decision to move on not only from guys (still gay though) and online dating apps, but from that version of myself I now see to be wrong.
You shouldn't force your love life anymore if this just isn't the perfect time yet. Be patient and not desperate. Love will just come and it shouldn't take this much effort, right? Be more careful and trust shouldn't be something that is easily given away. Let trust build over time, but don't let that stop you from taking risks once in a while. Try not equating happiness to a boy's attention and focus on improving what you feel about yourself and treating actual people around you better.
Moving on is going to be tough, but it has to be. I've taken multiple breaks from online dating apps, but this is me turning my back away from them forever. It sucks to not have a control of your hand reaching out to your phone, switching it on only to find out that there's still no notification for you to check. Just accept that there won't be one. You'll be more at peace with that fact that there is nothing to wait for. It's always hard restraining yourself at first, but every day gets easier and easier. Dating apps aren't bad alright, but they just aren't for me anymore.
I am not giving up on love. Men may generally be trash, but there are a few great guys out there. I know that, but I'm just no longer looking from the palm of my hand. This time it is going to be different and oh, so much more fun.
Yes, I may not have had any relationships from being in the dating apps so what do I know with moving on, right? Sorry, I'm a tad over-dramatic and this is just me basically channeling the hurt and convincing myself that I'm making the right decision.
I'm sure this is harder and more complicated for people who've been in actual long-term relationships. You've built more memories together and plans for the future that you keep coming back to in your head. Don't rush yourself and allow yourself some time to heal. Surround yourself with the people you love and dive head first into your passion. We'll have our chance at love again. And when that time comes, you can tell me all about it.
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