My first article published in THOUGHT CATALOG.
You can also watch this Spoken Word lyric video I made for the piece.
Wasn't I More Than a Match to You?
You might not consider someone you've met on a dating app to be a real person, but I am. I am more than just a profile, an icon, a series of chat bubbles or a notification on your phone you now choose to ignore.
I was a person you used to be so eager to get to know. You wanted to learn everything about me and I was happy to answer all your questions. It was fascinating how we shared so many things in common. Hours and hours of talking and I still couldn't get enough of knowing you. Anything mundane was suddenly interesting if it came from you.
There was never any judgement between us, just wonder and excitement. You opened up about things you could never share even to the people closest to you because they would never understand, but I did. Your stories were familiar and I recognized bits of myself in your childhood dreams, high-school struggles and adulthood frustrations. I felt so alone in the world until I found you. And you were always going to be with me, every time I opened up my phone.
We had a connection that I thought was stronger than wifi or mobile data. We were a perfect match! I was certain we shared something, like a secret the whole world will never know. Now that you found me, it was going to be us against the world!
I held on to the promises you made of us meeting in the real world, finally face to face. How would that happen though when you turned me down every chance I asked?
I felt it, you know? You were growing distant the longer it took you to reply to my messages. The shorter your sentences were, the less interested you were growing.
That didn't mean anything I convinced myself. l shouldn't be so quick to judge. Maybe your life made you too busy or mine was just so boring that I didn't have anything else to do but miss you.
You didn't talk to me anymore and I had only the loud thoughts in my head to keep me company. What happened? What changed? Why did you change and why was I still like this? You were probably talking to somebody else. Somebody new, right? Did any of the things you said ever mean anything? Was I the only one who felt something? Was there anything more I could do to save this, to bring back what we had?
I used to be a person who was excited about the future. But the longer I stayed hoping for one with you, the more often I found myself feeling numb. I guess I tried to push my feelings down, because I didn't want to face the truth that our time was up. Maybe, my mind got ahead of me again and yours just completely forgot about us. Was I so foolish to think you'd be different?
You were already done with me. You did not think I deserved to be treated like the person that I was. I was more than a picture you swiped right on one lazy afternoon. I was more than a free therapy session or a quick fantasy to get away from your real life. You made me feel disposable to be tossed aside the second you were done using me. Was it my fault for trusting you so easily?
That was it then. I give up. You were already gone and I was once again, alone. I had a lot more to say, but nothing more I could do. The silence sounds more peaceful now that I am no longer waiting for you. Wasn't that just a waste of my time…
Let's just leave it as this then, with me at "seen" and you with the rest of your life. Have a good one, jerk.
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